


What is Love?

by cadkitten



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Holidays, M/M, Romance, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-02-08
Updated: 2009-02-08
Packaged: 2017-11-29 10:43:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/686034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What is it to love someone with all your heart and soul? Is it an ache that settles deep within you and won't let you be at peace? Is it the throbbing ache of knowing you're never enough, no matter how hard you try? Or is it something more?</p>
            </blockquote>





	What is Love?

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: M/M, Angst, WAFF  
> Prompt[s]: 0020: Love for prompt_rotation  
> Comments: Written for **gazettefanfics** Valentines Day Competition - Due Feb 12th. Since there were no rules, per say, I simply went with a feeling of love.  
>  Beta Readers: Aoi~, witheringwhite  
> Song[s]: "Disconnect" by She Wants Revenge

What is it to love someone with all your heart and soul? Is it an ache that settles deep within you and won't let you be at peace? Is it the throbbing ache of knowing you're never enough, no matter how hard you try? Or is it something more? Maybe it's that shiver that rips through you each time they touch you, even when you know it means nothing more than something as base as friendship to them. But maybe... maybe love is knowing that you'd do anything for that other person, no matter what life may bring.

Tonight, I sit here alone, a single candle flickering in the center of the table at my apartment. I watch it as the flame dances about in a breeze I cannot feel. My eyelids feel heavy, but I know it's not from being tired. The rain outside beats heavily against my window, every drop sounding louder and louder in my ears as the night wears on.

It's late. Past ten, in fact. And I sit here, waiting at my table. Waiting on what... I'm never sure. But I find myself doing it more and more often these days. I just come home... and wait. A ritual of the absurd, I'm sure. By why... I suppose I am sure of that as well. I wait on him. I wait on the man I long to have across this table from me. And in the same breath, I know he'll not come, for I haven't asked him to. But one should not have to ask for love. It either exists or it does not.

My fingers dance across the wood of the table, my eyes following their slightly damp trails across the polished wood. If there's a point to all of this, I know not what it is. I just know that when my thoughts are centered on him, I cannot simply let go and forget. I dwell... dwell as though it is my last breath and these are the reflections of my life.

Some part of me wonders if it'll always be like this. Him somewhere else, happy and within someone else's arm... and me, sitting here at a table for two, having forgotten to even fix the dinner I meant to eat hours ago. I suppose that, at least, I am not weeping like a child that didn't get what he wants. Rather, I exist within my own realm while I am here, letting the thoughts drift in and then ebb away like the tide as the nights wear on. I could waste away like this. I could... but I won't.

My breath leaves me in a gentle sigh as I let my arms slide across the table top, my body following. With my cheek pressed against the wood, my breath ghosting out across the surface, I let my eyes slip shut. My own heartbeat consumes me, pulling me closer and closer to another world, one where he and I are one and my heart does not ache. The rain patters against the window and the flame of the candle flickers and dies in the same moment my eyes slip closed.

The minutes slip past, laden with the beautiful things my mind plays to me; a melody of bittersweet love and underlying agony. But slowly my mind shows me the parts I'd rather not see - a confession thrown away, tears of anger and words of hatred. Even in my sleep, I can no longer find my peace. The ache within has turned all-consuming and refuses to let me be.

No more than half an hour goes by and my dreams fade away, forcing me to open my eyes and come back into a reality less harsh than the land within my mind. The rain still pelts the window, but the darkness has enfolded me in her sweet arms. One hand pulls along the table, the soft sound of the pads of my fingers dragging over the surface a gentle undertone to the water pouring from the skies.

A light knock at my door causes me to turn my head and look. It's so late. My eyes flick the microwave and the glowing red numbers there. Almost eleven at night, it tells me. Quietly, I rise from my chair, my back protesting the movement and the treatment of having settled where I did for my nap. Now my eyes are heavy with the dredges of sleep, the remnants of a dream I'd rather not have had clinging to the edges of my sanity.

My feet lead me to the door and I lean against it with a sigh, hands drawing up to hold the white painted wood as I peer out through the small hole to see who it is. Kai. _Kai._ My heart stops dead in my chest and for a moment, I simply forget to breathe. He moves to leave, turning his back and retreating down the hallway, steps slow and body radiating something so close to distress that it's tangible, even through the heavy wood of my door.

I slide the locks out of place and pull it open, stepping into the hall. When I hear myself speak, it doesn't even sound like my own voice - so unsure and half afraid. "Kai?"

He pauses, head bowed and shoulders still hunched. It's almost as if he's at war with himself. Even here in the fake light of the hallways, I can hear the sound of the rain falling outside and it reminds me of its presence, reminds me to look for traces of its existence. It's only then that I notice Kai is soaked to the bone, hair and clothing dripping wet, each drop falling from sleeve to carpet like glistening crystal. I try again, my voice stronger now, more determined. "Kai."

This time he turns, dark eyes studying me for a moment before he comes back to where I stand. I guide him into my apartment, closing the door behind us; shutting out the rest of the world. Questions plague my mind, begging to be asked. But I ignore them in favor of being more attentive to his needs. He does not deserve the burden of my soul weighing on his shoulders.

I reach for him, slipping his coat off and hanging it to drip on the linoleum of the hallway. He just stands there, his eyes sad and his entire being radiating something I've never felt before in his presence, though I am far too used to it in my own. My breath catches and holds, tightening my chest. I simply choose to react rather than think. If I think... I cannot think.

My fingers push his damp hair back from his cheek, brushing over the soft skin there. I quiver at the first contact, even my lips trembling with the effort of holding back from what I truly want to do. His hand lifts to cover my own and my breath whispers out past my lips as he leans into my hand.

"Reita." The way he says it; the almost gentle inflection to my name, draws my body closer to his own, as if pulled by some invisible force. The moment his eyes meet mine, I understand. He hurts just as I do... aches in the exact same ways. I don't hesitate. I don't even let myself think on it as I close that last little breadth between us, my body molding to his. The dampness of wet cloth pulls over my arm as I slide it around his waist and hold him close. He fits so well here... as if he were built just for me.

My lips close over his, the action slow - almost achingly so. The lightest caress of skin against skin giving way to something more as he responds. His hands slip up the expanse of my chest, coming to rest just below my collarbone, fisting there as his body trembles in my arms. My thumb strokes his cheek as my tongue sweeps over the expanse of his bottom lip. It could be something rougher, more heated, if I wanted it that way. But that's hardly what I'm looking for tonight. I want to possess that heart just as he holds my own.

The moments tick by, the clock in the living room sounding louder than it ever has before. Our hearts beat as one and the rain outside pelts the window, a relentless torrent... just the same as the blood pounding against the walls of my heart. When I draw back, I'm almost certain of stinging rejection; fearful of righteous hatred. But, instead, all I find is a light of understanding in his eyes, something lighter in the depths than before. "You love me." It isn't a question... it never has been. Rather, it is a statement of truth.

My head inclines in the slightest, my hand falling away from his cheek while I remember to breathe. "I always have." It just seems the fitting answer to a question never asked.

"I think..." his breath comes in shaky, but is stronger on the release. A new light comes to his eyes. "I feel the same."

And it is then that I know, _that I feel_ , the expanse of a finite truth.

**The End**  



End file.
